The main problem I witness with an imperfect query letter; to many words. The author crams as much information about the novel into 700 words. (Which is way too long if you care to know).
I have the opposite problem. Yes. My first queries for any of my novels are less then 120 words. And sometimes its a stretch to get them that far! I give enough bones of my stories but not enough meat.
So I'm sharing my writing angst to procrastinate on revising and writing. Thanks for that.
I'll place my query here and you let me know what you think. This is version #2, by the way.
The felon that got away murdered her father but left too many clues for a seasoned bounty hunter. Now Losi wants revenge.
Losi is on the hunt for a felon named Kos when she forms an alliance with a disgraced military officer. Their search on ETP156 doesn’t discover Kos but what they do find, is a conspiracy and anyone who interferes ends up dead.
Kos is a pawn in the conspiracy as well as the disgraced officer. If they can unravel the mystery in time they can save countless lives. At the heart of the plot is an intergalactic collapse.